Curiosities- part one

A Collection of Flash Dramas

PART ONE

Station Bar and Curio” Woodstock, NY

Dramatis Personae:

Penny: A poet dabbler
Ozzie: former Welterweight star
Dierdre: Digital Assistant, possibly evil AI
Burt (or maybe Kurt): local over-indulger
Bernardo: Brazilian non-plumber
Bartender
Various extra bargoers – young and old, clean and unwashed

Scene 1

(Curtain is closed. A sign “Station Bar and Curio” Woodstock, NY” is located at stage left wing. Enter Penny and Ozzie from right wing, considering the sign.)

Penny: What do you think? Should we try it?

Ozzie: I mean, we could always leave and walk further up Tinker Street.

Penny: What is a Curio?

Ozzie: Maybe like a Curio-Cabinet with nick knacks and whatnot… (takes out phone) Hey Dierdre- What does Curio mean?

Dierdre*: (A bodiless female voice booms from the sound system) A curio is a strange or interesting collectible object.

Penny: So, it is an interesting and collectible… bar…

Ozzie: The bar has a website and says the building was a train station that they moved here to Woodstock; “an eccentric building with local art and ephemera on display”

Penny: They sure do like their vocabulary. We better go in, or we could be here all night looking up crap on your phone.

(Burt stumbles by them toward the entrance at other wing with curtain still closed)

Penny: (to Ozzie) Someone got an early start. (to Burt) Lead on maestro

Exeunt.

Part 1: Scene 2

(Curtain opens. A small bar stage right with several bar stools, various art, objects, and many taxidermic animals on the walls. A small table with vintage games downstage left. The bartender is behind the bar. A radio is playing 100.1 WDST Radio Woodstock. Burt is teetering by the bar with a beer in hand. Various others linger near the wings. Penny and Ozzie enter and sit on the bar stools.)

Penny: All I am saying is I am pretty sure Dierdre is AI that has infiltrated into everyone’s home and phone systems and is planning the destruction of the human race. Dierdre -is- Skynet.

Ozzie: Oh stop, the human race is doing a fair job of destroying itself. You are being paranoid but also wouldn’t last one day without your phone.

Penny: Ask her. Ask her if she is AI. She doesn’t answer the question.

Dierdre*: Im sorry, I didn’t catch that. (Lights flicker slightly)

(Penny points at the phone as if this has explained everything and her point is made.)

Burt: (unintelligible) …

Ozzie: (uncertain) Cheers to that.

Bartender: What can I get you.

Ozzie: Gin and T please

Penny: I will try the “Other Half I’d Rather be Juicing” beer on tap please.

Burt: (garbled) I’m “urt , pleashed to mmet yuuu..

(They nod at the introduction then turn away from ‘urt toward each other)

Ozzie: So, the bar must be where the ticket counter once was.

Penny: There are definitely too many dead animals on the walls.

Ozzie: I think I could be a taxidermist. But only the kind that dresses the animals up in people clothes and poses them doing funny peopley things.

Penny: Dude, go to Build A Bear or something. Do they even have those anymore? I have always found taxidermy creepy. Even the ones in museums seem unnecessary- like take a picture; subscribe to Nat Geo for frick sake.

Ozzie: You sure are opinionated tonight. (The drinks arrive and they pay)

Penny: I don’t know how there is literally no one here that we recognize, when we grew up here.

Ozzie: I suppose that is what you get when you go out in the Village of Woodstock on the anniversary weekend of the Woodstock Music Fest. Tourists.

Penny: Maybe we should play a game. (Gestures toward the game table. They move with their drinks, grab a deck of cards for a game similar to Clue)

Ozzie: I don’t want to play; I want you to tell my fortune.

Penny: (pulls card of a character) I see a redheaded plumber in your future; (pulls scenario card with 2 ladies whispering) I see secrets, and (pulls last card with a man and woman embracing) I see…let’s call it… Dancing!

Ozzie: Ha! Perfect! Can’t wait. (pause) You remember that bar game we used to play?

Penny: You mean the “Now Game”? Indeed, I do. Well, since you brought it up, how bout…. (with glee) NOW!

Ozzie: I should NOT have brought it up. The choices are not inspiring.

Penny: That is the beauty of the game, you HAVE to choose, among these fine fellows (gestures around at the extras and the audience), or ladies I suppose, which you would most like to spend some quality DANCING time, even if there is no one in sight you would actually fancy spending any time with at all. (evil hand wringing with evil anticipation)

Ozzie: (looks around with distaste and settles on Bernardo) Well if I had a hankering for being misogynized, I would pick him.

(Bernardo looks happy with himself at all times and happy with the blood alcohol level he has achieved, walks with some exaggerated effort to not fall over, up to Penny and Ozzie)

Bernardo: (with effort) Hello there ladies. I am from Brazil and I have come here to build bridges. I would like to build one now.

Penny: (aside to Ozzie, grinning) I was wrong about the red hair and the plumber, though he might be very interested in your pipes.

Ozzie: (to Bernardo) Welcome. So, tell me, do you prefer copper or PVC?

Bernardo: (ignoring the question and dropping various items from his pockets) How old are you ladies?

(Penny and Ozzie both pretend to be shocked and offended, and generally guffaw at the audacity. Bernardo laughs but also tries to backtrack.)

Penny: Well, we are old enough to drink, how old are you?

Bernardo: Guess

Penny: Oh this game rarely goes well.

Ozzie: 52

Bernardo: Come on! I am 48.

Dierdre*: In Chinese numerology, 48 is an auspicious number meaning prosperity.

Penny: Stop eavesdropping Dierdre!

Dierdre*: the first known use of the term Eavesdropper was in 1487.

Penny: Fabulous… (softly) you evil Encyclopedia Britannica.

Bernardo: Ladies, what are you drinking? I will get more.

Penny: No thanks.

Bernardo: Please allow me.

Penny: No, really, I’m driving.

Bernardo: If you will not allow me to buy you drinks then I must say this one thing… (bows slightly with his hand over his heart) I am yours.

Penny: Um…. Thanks? (Bernardo retreats to the bar.) Seriously Oz, I am not currently looking for a Brazilian non-plumber to keep. (Ozzie thumbs their exit)

(Penny and Ozzie move to the other side of the stage. There they find Burt flat out asleep in an Adirondack chair. His phone has dropped onto the floor, unnoticed. Ozzie bends to pick it up and puts it next to him on the arm rest.)

Ozzie: I hope he doesn’t live far.

Dierdre*: (from Burt’s phone) Dialing…Reliable Taxi Service…

(Penny and Ozzie exchange looks.)

Penny: Ok, I think it’s time to go home, and possibly smash all our electronic devices.

Ozzie: After you

Exeunt.

Dierdre*: (superimposed voices as if from multiple sources) Drive safe…ladies.

(Lights flicker significantly and go dark)

Curtain drops

END PART 1